I’m gonna do some things that might not be comfortable.

I’m uncomfortable with pretty much everything. I’m awkward around people. I feel like I don’t have anything to say. If I do say anything I think it is wrong and stupid. I second guess everything. I want to try not being that way. I feel awkward talking to guy’s but I’m going to do it anyways. I’m going to say yes to more things and try things I wouldn’t have before. Some things that I do might turn out to be bad but I can’t let that stop me from doing things. Some of the things might turn out to be good. I don’t want to miss out on so,etching good just because I might be a little uncomfortable.

I’m not ready to move onto something new.

I want to be ready. I want to feel ok. I want to not freak out.

In an effort to distract myself I downloaded tinder. I feel kind of stupid but it’s a distraction. Thumbs up for that.

Sometimes I feel like I’m totally ok and I can talk to people and if they want to go out I can totally do it. Then I talk to people and they mention wanting to hang out and I start panicking.

I feel bad because a guy will tell me he likes me or tells me I’m pretty or tells me something and part of me gets excited because it’s nice to be given compliments but I end up feeling bad because I’m not thinking the same things he is.

I put my snapchat name in my profile and have had a few people add me from there. I didn’t even think about the whole inappropriate picture thing but I haven’t had any yet.

Snapchat: Zandor.0

Things are kind of a mess right now.

I don’t even know what to say because I feel awkward about this whole thing but I need to get it out.

I need to learn how to be on my own. If someone doesn’t want me I can’t make them.

Why do I keep trying and coming back for more when they tell me over and over that nothing is going to change. I’m convinced that if I keep trying maybe one of these times it will work.

I don’t want it to be over over. Like it might actually be for real over. It mightn’t be a short term over. It could be a forever over. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Why is it a bad thing to know who you want to be with for the rest of your life instead of wanting to do stuff with a bunch of people? Why do people feel like they

Why am I not good enough?

7th month 7 miles!!!!

Today was my first run with my garmin watch. I have been trying to increase my runs every month. I have been running 5-6 miles kind of comfortably for a whileish. Today on my run I figured I would just run and see what happened. It wasn’t super hot outside so that was kind of nice. I got to five miles and thought this isn’t that bad I can keep going. I got to six miles and I was like yay I did it and I kept going. When my watched tole me I ran seven miles I did a little dance while running and was super excited. It was really really awesome. I kind of like having a more laid back approach to running. I try to go as far as I can but if for whatever reason I need to stop and it ends up being a short run I’m ok with that. I don’t beat myself up and I still feel awesome.

Life gets better when you worry less about others.

After announcing my whole breakup thing on Facebook I hung out with cute work guy a few times. He liked me and I liked him and it was fun and stuff but I just don’t feel ready for anything new. We weren’t even dating. It was pretty much just like flirting and hanging out. Part of me liked it but the other part of me felt bad because he is really super nice and I know he likes me and I know how I’m thinking and he deserves someone who is ready for a relationship.

At first I thought maybe I could be ok with how things are because like it’s just a casual thing. Eventually I realized I just wanted to be alone. I’ve had a boyfriend for nine years. I have been with someone since I graduated high school. I want to be single and just do whatever I want and be selfish.

I felt uncomfortable telling cute work guy that I wanted to be alone but I sucked it up and did it. I told him I was nervous about what other people would think. He said he didn’t hate me and didn’t think I was the worst. He did say he would have preferred having the conversation talking instead of a text. I told him I suck at talking.

I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I’ll be fine with how things are with us and I hope he will be too.

I think I just want to be selfish.

So I’ve kind of gotten used to the whole single thing. Like I don’t have a boyfriend. There is a new guy that I started talking to and he likes me and I like him but I am in no need to go straight into a relationship.

After we broke up and before I posted on Facebook that I was single I just spent time by myself and went to the gym when I wanted to and stayed home when I wanted to and it was kind of nice to just do whatever I wanted.

I still like flirting and stuff and I’ll continue doing that but I don’t want to be relationshipy and I don’t know when I’ll want to be.

Trying something new like talking to people.

I don’t know what made me do it. I felt uncomfortable about telling people I broke up with my boyfriend and so I wrote a post on Facebook. I just told everyone at once. My sister sent me a text and said even though we don’t talk much about my relationship she was there for me to talk if I wanted to. I actually texted back!?!?

I think the reason I’m being more open is because it really seems like this breakup is real. This isn’t one of those break up for a week and get back together.

I still talk to him. We have discussed all the things that need to change for us to even consider maybe getting back together. We are friends now and I’m starting to feel better about that. I’m getting used to being friends. I’m sure when he goes out with someone I’ll be upset but I’m going to try really hard to just live my life.

This is like a new beginning and I don’t know what’s going to happen or if nothing will happen but I’m kind of looking forward to whatever it is.


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