The people I see when I’m out running.

Grandparent age people: They are really super nice. The little old people are one of my favorites. I usually get a smile and wave from them. Sometimes I’ll get something encouraging said to me. One time during a run a little old lady was outside doing yard work and she said I could use some of your muscle.

Little kids: These are my other favorites. They always wave and yell hi. I’ve had little kids yell hi over and over and wave until I said it back. Another little girl who was maybe three or four was walking up a driveway to a house and when I was running she stopped and looked at me. I don’t know if she said anything but I heard the guy she was walking with tell her she’s running you can wave to her. She waved and I waved back. After I waved she looked happy and started walking up the driveway again.

20-60 year old not creepers: These are people who are regular nice people. A guy who was probably in his 20s drove by and he was driving the same direction I was running. He slowed down a normal nice amount. He drove on the opposite side of the street. He yelled out his window you’re a fast runner and some other complimentary you’re awesome type thing. Then he continued on his way. Another guy was probably in his 40s was doing yard work. I was walking past his house and it was hot outside. He asked if I wanted some water. I told him no thanks. He asked if I was sure. I told him I was fine but thanks. He told me ok have a safe run and went back to his yard work. The way he was talking was in a concerned parent kind of way. Both of those guys talked to me in a way that didn’t make me wonder about them. They didn’t look at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t feel worried or unsafe.

20-40 year old creepers: Ugh. These are the worst. A lot of them are lawn care people. They honk their horn. Yell stuff that I can’t understand out the window as they drive by. Drive their vehicle along side me for far too long. A few times the person drive has stared out the window at me. After they drive past they turn their head around and continue staring. Quit being creepy and watch the road.

I’m gonna do some things that might not be comfortable.

I’m uncomfortable with pretty much everything. I’m awkward around people. I feel like I don’t have anything to say. If I do say anything I think it is wrong and stupid. I second guess everything. I want to try not being that way. I feel awkward talking to guy’s but I’m going to do it anyways. I’m going to say yes to more things and try things I wouldn’t have before. Some things that I do might turn out to be bad but I can’t let that stop me from doing things. Some of the things might turn out to be good. I don’t want to miss out on so,etching good just because I might be a little uncomfortable.

I’m not ready to move onto something new.

I want to be ready. I want to feel ok. I want to not freak out.

In an effort to distract myself I downloaded tinder. I feel kind of stupid but it’s a distraction. Thumbs up for that.

Sometimes I feel like I’m totally ok and I can talk to people and if they want to go out I can totally do it. Then I talk to people and they mention wanting to hang out and I start panicking.

I feel bad because a guy will tell me he likes me or tells me I’m pretty or tells me something and part of me gets excited because it’s nice to be given compliments but I end up feeling bad because I’m not thinking the same things he is.

I put my snapchat name in my profile and have had a few people add me from there. I didn’t even think about the whole inappropriate picture thing but I haven’t had any yet.

Snapchat: Zandor.0

Things are kind of a mess right now.

I don’t even know what to say because I feel awkward about this whole thing but I need to get it out.

I need to learn how to be on my own. If someone doesn’t want me I can’t make them.

Why do I keep trying and coming back for more when they tell me over and over that nothing is going to change. I’m convinced that if I keep trying maybe one of these times it will work.

I don’t want it to be over over. Like it might actually be for real over. It mightn’t be a short term over. It could be a forever over. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Why is it a bad thing to know who you want to be with for the rest of your life instead of wanting to do stuff with a bunch of people? Why do people feel like they

Why am I not good enough?

7th month 7 miles!!!!

Today was my first run with my garmin watch. I have been trying to increase my runs every month. I have been running 5-6 miles kind of comfortably for a whileish. Today on my run I figured I would just run and see what happened. It wasn’t super hot outside so that was kind of nice. I got to five miles and thought this isn’t that bad I can keep going. I got to six miles and I was like yay I did it and I kept going. When my watched tole me I ran seven miles I did a little dance while running and was super excited. It was really really awesome. I kind of like having a more laid back approach to running. I try to go as far as I can but if for whatever reason I need to stop and it ends up being a short run I’m ok with that. I don’t beat myself up and I still feel awesome.

Life gets better when you worry less about others.

After announcing my whole breakup thing on Facebook I hung out with cute work guy a few times. He liked me and I liked him and it was fun and stuff but I just don’t feel ready for anything new. We weren’t even dating. It was pretty much just like flirting and hanging out. Part of me liked it but the other part of me felt bad because he is really super nice and I know he likes me and I know how I’m thinking and he deserves someone who is ready for a relationship.

At first I thought maybe I could be ok with how things are because like it’s just a casual thing. Eventually I realized I just wanted to be alone. I’ve had a boyfriend for nine years. I have been with someone since I graduated high school. I want to be single and just do whatever I want and be selfish.

I felt uncomfortable telling cute work guy that I wanted to be alone but I sucked it up and did it. I told him I was nervous about what other people would think. He said he didn’t hate me and didn’t think I was the worst. He did say he would have preferred having the conversation talking instead of a text. I told him I suck at talking.

I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I’ll be fine with how things are with us and I hope he will be too.

I think I just want to be selfish.

So I’ve kind of gotten used to the whole single thing. Like I don’t have a boyfriend. There is a new guy that I started talking to and he likes me and I like him but I am in no need to go straight into a relationship.

After we broke up and before I posted on Facebook that I was single I just spent time by myself and went to the gym when I wanted to and stayed home when I wanted to and it was kind of nice to just do whatever I wanted.

I still like flirting and stuff and I’ll continue doing that but I don’t want to be relationshipy and I don’t know when I’ll want to be.

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