7th month 7 miles!!!!

Today was my first run with my garmin watch. I have been trying to increase my runs every month. I have been running 5-6 miles kind of comfortably for a whileish. Today on my run I figured I would just run and see what happened. It wasn’t super hot outside so that was kind of nice. I got to five miles and thought this isn’t that bad I can keep going. I got to six miles and I was like yay I did it and I kept going. When my watched tole me I ran seven miles I did a little dance while running and was super excited. It was really really awesome. I kind of like having a more laid back approach to running. I try to go as far as I can but if for whatever reason I need to stop and it ends up being a short run I’m ok with that. I don’t beat myself up and I still feel awesome.

Life gets better when you worry less about others.

After announcing my whole breakup thing on Facebook I hung out with cute work guy a few times. He liked me and I liked him and it was fun and stuff but I just don’t feel ready for anything new. We weren’t even dating. It was pretty much just like flirting and hanging out. Part of me liked it but the other part of me felt bad because he is really super nice and I know he likes me and I know how I’m thinking and he deserves someone who is ready for a relationship.

At first I thought maybe I could be ok with how things are because like it’s just a casual thing. Eventually I realized I just wanted to be alone. I’ve had a boyfriend for nine years. I have been with someone since I graduated high school. I want to be single and just do whatever I want and be selfish.

I felt uncomfortable telling cute work guy that I wanted to be alone but I sucked it up and did it. I told him I was nervous about what other people would think. He said he didn’t hate me and didn’t think I was the worst. He did say he would have preferred having the conversation talking instead of a text. I told him I suck at talking.

I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I’ll be fine with how things are with us and I hope he will be too.

I think I just want to be selfish.

So I’ve kind of gotten used to the whole single thing. Like I don’t have a boyfriend. There is a new guy that I started talking to and he likes me and I like him but I am in no need to go straight into a relationship.

After we broke up and before I posted on Facebook that I was single I just spent time by myself and went to the gym when I wanted to and stayed home when I wanted to and it was kind of nice to just do whatever I wanted.

I still like flirting and stuff and I’ll continue doing that but I don’t want to be relationshipy and I don’t know when I’ll want to be.

Trying something new like talking to people.

I don’t know what made me do it. I felt uncomfortable about telling people I broke up with my boyfriend and so I wrote a post on Facebook. I just told everyone at once. My sister sent me a text and said even though we don’t talk much about my relationship she was there for me to talk if I wanted to. I actually texted back!?!?

I think the reason I’m being more open is because it really seems like this breakup is real. This isn’t one of those break up for a week and get back together.

I still talk to him. We have discussed all the things that need to change for us to even consider maybe getting back together. We are friends now and I’m starting to feel better about that. I’m getting used to being friends. I’m sure when he goes out with someone I’ll be upset but I’m going to try really hard to just live my life.

This is like a new beginning and I don’t know what’s going to happen or if nothing will happen but I’m kind of looking forward to whatever it is.

I’m really not good at this whole breaking up thing.

I still text him and send him snapchats and he still responds and it is really really hard to get over someone you thought you were going to marry.

Since we are still talking I get upset with him for things that I shouldn’t get upset at since we aren’t dating. He’s going out and having a life and doing the normal things people should do when they break up. I should be doing the same. Instead I have no friends to go out with so I’m stuck just feeling sad.

I have exercise and work as a distraction. Maybe it will help me get more consistent with exercising and then I can start liking my body more. Since I’m not going out and doing things I should be able to save more money and maybe make larger payments for my car.

I need to figure out something to do to get over him. Just because I don’t have friends doesn’t mean I can’t do things. I can walk around the mall by myself. I can go to the movies by myself. I can take myself out to dinner. I can learn to go out by myself and maybe one of these times when I’m out by myself someone will start talking to me. I’m really bad at talking to people. I’m shy and awkward and never know what to say. Pretty much everyone that I was kind of friends with was through him. I don’t have any people that I go places with that weren’t connected to him. Ugh. That is so sucky.

Ugh. I’m giving him advice on where to take a girl on a date. I really need to quit.

I’m single now?

I guess. I don’t know. Our relationship has turned into one of those weird dysfunctional things that probably should have ended like forever ago. This is probably going to be kind of ramble but it’s how I’m feeling. Part of me thinks I shouldn’t talk about it online but the other part of me doesn’t care because he talks about it with people so why shouldn’t I.

Apparently he has been trying for the last two years of our relationship. I still don’t totally understand what that means but apparently he couldn’t just like date me and be good. There were a few things that we wanted to change about each other and that really wasn’t working. Some of the things were just like I should be more laid back and not so uptight and like perfectionist things have to be a certain way. It was kind of hard to work on that because when I did he would end up telling me to stop because he thought I was only doing it for him. Even when I tried it still wasn’t working so we finally decided to just be done.

I don’t want to be done. I want it to work. I want things to magically be fixed and wonderful and great.

I know it doesn’t totally make sense but I kind of want him to date someone else. He says he doesn’t want to and he just wants to be alone but in my weird screwed up mind I feel like if he dates someone else and has other experiences maybe he will want to be with me.

I shouldn’t want to be with him. I should move on and be done. I should not like him anymore.

This sucks.

I ran 8 miles!?!?!?!

What???? Kind of totally freaking out.

I didn’t have any specific running goal when I ran this morning but I wanted to do at least five or six miles.

It was cloudy and gray and rainy and I was hoping it wouldn’t be cold. Luckily the temperature was perfect. I wore shorts and a tank and it was pretty much perfect running weather outside. I kind of wish all runs could be like this one.

I found a path to follow on google map and wasn’t sure exactly how far it was but I knew it was longer than five miles.

I was running slow like I normally do when I run by myself and it was a pretty comfortable pace. At one part on the newish area that I haven’t ran before it was a little bad because the road was slanted and the middle or the road was flat but the side was angled down. Since there weren’t cars on the street I decided to run in the middle of the road but when there was a car I had to go on the side and that felt kind of weird running crooked.

I don’t know how I did it but somehow after my phone told me I ran 6 miles I kept going. I have it set up to only tell me every mile. When it said 7 miles I did a little butt wiggle fist pump dance thing while I was running. It probably looked kind of funny if anyone saw me do it but I was really proud of myself. After that I really wanted to keep going until I couldn’t anymore. When it said 8 miles I was shocked. I was able to just push and make it that far. It was kind of an awesome feeling.

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